Thursday, August 9, 2012

Holding On

His plans are not my plans. You think I'd have this down by now, but do I? No. Not really. It continues to be a struggle to hand things over to the Lord and then trust that He has my best interest in mind. It seems to be a recurring theme, actually.

"No, not like that, God." I find myself saying. "That's not how I wanted it to go!" I find myself throwing royal fits that could easily beat my 20-months-old's and he's a big screamer. Cruz wants his way (even when I know better) and I want my way (even when God knows better). Funny how our children reflect our true selves back to us like that.

This summer has been one thing after another that hasn't gone my way: from Jesse's job search to pregnancy complications and everything in between. And a couple of days ago, I found myself having a temper-tantrum of epic proportions. Mature, I know.

The thing is, I think I know what I need. When I put it out there to God and it doesn't go my way... I get nervous. I'm not one to believe in the prosperity gospel. That sounds extraordinarily silly to me after meeting so many Christians in third-world countries. But that's just it. I know that God's radical love is moving and changing hearts in and among so many who have nothing... and I can see God working in those who have babies born with severe health problems... and honestly, I don't want to be one of them. Yes, their stories are amazing. Yes, they are bringing glory to God through their struggles... but could I just pass on all the hard stuff?

It scares me to think of all the hard stuff He may be preparing me for. The idea of going through difficulties frightens me. But I'm trying to hold on right now... trying to trust Him. Trying to remember to thank God through the trials and count it as joy!

Prayers (of course) are always appreciated! Blessings!


* Courtney * said...

Just found your cute blog through Casey's.

Sometimes having faith is so hard! I learn a lot from my 4 year old. Kids have such a better trust and understanding of things. We lost my grandpa a month ago and she didn't understand why were so sad. She said, but he is living with Jesus and we will see him again right? It was so simple for her, and I tend to make it so hard.

You will get through your hard time. Prayers are with you!

Kristina said...

Visiting from Casey's "what is on your heart" Following you! :)


Sarah said...

I can relate this post a lot. praying for you!